BrianS
28-02-2002, 09:21 AM
HANGOVER GUIDE
1 star hangover *
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a
mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be
glad that you are able to function relatively well.
However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water
and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger
and a side of fries.
2 star hangover **
No pain. Something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you
have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee
you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut,
which is craving a full Irish breakfast.
Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you
have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer
valuable money because all you really can handle is aimlessly surfing the
net and writing junk e-mails.
3 star hangover ***
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space
cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her
perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic
friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m.
Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a
dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching Good Morning with Richard and
Judy. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls
and a litre of diet coke - yet you haven't peed once.
4 star hangover ****
You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you
can't speak too quickly or else you might honk. Your boss has already
lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of
booze.
You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you
missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your
make-up on while riding the bumper cars), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes
look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from
the class picture of Moss Side secondary school circa 1976.
You would give a week's pay for one the following: -
1. Home time
2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone.
3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the
night before.
5 star hangover (aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell)*****
You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually
annoying the employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of
every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the
corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to
generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you.
You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in
your body.Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad
at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look
so pathetic.
You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can
manage to do is breathe...very gently.
6 star hangover (aka Death on a stick)******
You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly, as you
were fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours
sleep and the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that you bed
has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room.
No matter what you do you know your going to chuck. You stumble out of bed
and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail.
After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls
knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet. If you are lucky you will
remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole
house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls. You sit there on
the floor in your underpants, cuddling the only friend in the world you have
left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting,
and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short
lived.
Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts.
Help now turns into abuse and it usually goes back to bed leaving
you there in the dark. With your stomach totally empty, your
spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body
wont relent.You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside
out and swear that you saw your bum come out your mouth on the last
occasion.
You lie there cold and shivering, with eruptions now occurring at
1 hour intervals. It is now dawn, and you pass your disgusted partner
getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. They abuse you again for
trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair.
You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange
for them driving you to the hospital. The whole spent (as above Hangover 4 Star)
You finally feel well enough to eat again on the following day,with the
mention of alcohol making your stomach churn. This effect of sight
or smell of alcohol making your stomach churn lasts for a week and publicly
you vow never to do it again.....
Until next time...
1 star hangover *
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a
mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be
glad that you are able to function relatively well.
However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water
and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger
and a side of fries.
2 star hangover **
No pain. Something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you
have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee
you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut,
which is craving a full Irish breakfast.
Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you
have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer
valuable money because all you really can handle is aimlessly surfing the
net and writing junk e-mails.
3 star hangover ***
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space
cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her
perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic
friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m.
Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a
dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching Good Morning with Richard and
Judy. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls
and a litre of diet coke - yet you haven't peed once.
4 star hangover ****
You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you
can't speak too quickly or else you might honk. Your boss has already
lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of
booze.
You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you
missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your
make-up on while riding the bumper cars), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes
look like one big vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from
the class picture of Moss Side secondary school circa 1976.
You would give a week's pay for one the following: -
1. Home time
2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone.
3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the
night before.
5 star hangover (aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell)*****
You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually
annoying the employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of
every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the
corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to
generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you.
You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in
your body.Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad
at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look
so pathetic.
You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can
manage to do is breathe...very gently.
6 star hangover (aka Death on a stick)******
You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly, as you
were fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours
sleep and the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that you bed
has been cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room.
No matter what you do you know your going to chuck. You stumble out of bed
and now find that your room is in a yacht under full sail.
After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls
knocking off all the pictures, you find the toilet. If you are lucky you will
remember to lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole
house up with your impersonation of walrus mating calls. You sit there on
the floor in your underpants, cuddling the only friend in the world you have
left (the toilet), randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting,
and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even if it is short
lived.
Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts.
Help now turns into abuse and it usually goes back to bed leaving
you there in the dark. With your stomach totally empty, your
spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute intervals, but your body
wont relent.You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside
out and swear that you saw your bum come out your mouth on the last
occasion.
You lie there cold and shivering, with eruptions now occurring at
1 hour intervals. It is now dawn, and you pass your disgusted partner
getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed. They abuse you again for
trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried vomit in your hair.
You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower in exchange
for them driving you to the hospital. The whole spent (as above Hangover 4 Star)
You finally feel well enough to eat again on the following day,with the
mention of alcohol making your stomach churn. This effect of sight
or smell of alcohol making your stomach churn lasts for a week and publicly
you vow never to do it again.....
Until next time...