WhipLash
05-03-2001, 11:39 AM
Issued by The Department for the Environment.
Note: Since it is virtually impossible to obtain a driving license in The Republic of Ireland, and therefore nearly one-third of all drivers either;
a) availed of the amnesty, and never had a lesson off anyone other than their da
b) are still queuing for the test, and never had a lesson off anyone other than their da
c) can't be fecking arsed, are driving away quite happily on the
Provisional License, and never had a lesson off anyone other than their da
d) are just clean mad, and never had a lesson off anyone, even their da
It is essential that the following rules be obeyed, and you know how much we love rules down here:
1) SPEED. There are two optional driving speeds in The Republic of Ireland.
(A) Way below the given speed limit, and (B) Way above it. Under no circumstances must a car be driven at anything approaching the actual speed limit - we just put the signs up for fun. It is compulsory for farmers, builders, men in hats/flat caps, the senile and women with long hair and several un-belted children jumping around the interior of the car to drive at speed (A). At speed (A), it is optional to either weave erratically on and off the edge of the tarmac, or - and this is the preferred option - to stick stubbornly to the middle of the road so as no ****er can get past you.
Categories compelled to drive at speed (B) are; yuppies, lorry-drivers, the under-25's, 4x4 drivers, all white vans, all other works vans, blonde secretaries in dinky two-door sports cars, Mercedes drivers, Alfa Romeo drivers (because you know you're worth it), and, in particular, taxi drivers and Dublin Bus drivers.
* It is important to observe road conditions when setting one's speed.
* Enormous potholes, greasy surfaces, negative camber, rain, thick traffic, children by the side of the road - these are all factors which compel the southern motorist to stick the boot right to the ****ing floor, preferably yapping into a mobile phone as one goes.
* Remember - only about 2 of those dumb**** speed cameras in the entire country actually have film in them. So the chances of a (pansy) speeding fine are minimal.
* Remember - Under no circumstances should a sucker be given an even break.
* If they don't get out of the way, then **** them.
* Even if you've never had a lesson or passed a test, you just know you were born with a natural talent for guiding ? of a tonne of aluminium, steel, plastic & inflammable liquid on a hard surface at 70mph, while listening/singing along to Bon Jovi.
2) MAIN ROADS. In the Republic, a main road is anything with a line down the middle, no matter how faded. The chances are you don't live on a MAIN ROAD, but they do exist. There's one running between Dublin and
Newry, for part of the way. The first lesson to learn about a MAIN ROAD is how to pull out onto it. The procedure is as follows:
a) Brake late coming out of minor road, stopping briefly with the nose of the car halfway out onto the main road.
b) Wait until a fast-moving vehicle is within thirty yards of your own, stationary position.
c) Proceed onto the main road, as slowly and taking up as much room as possible.
d) Observe in the rear mirror, whilst picking your nose, how the driver of the previously fast-moving vehicle stands on his brakes and mouths furious swearwords at you.
e) If you are a lorry-driver, observe none of the above, and pull out regardless without stopping. They'll come off much worse if they hit the back of your container, and you hate the world and don't give a **** anyway.
MAIN ROADS sometimes consist of two lanes in both directions. These are called dual carriageways, or sometimes even motor-ways, but the latter are still pretty rare since Europe stopped paying. In the U.K., it is traditional for the outside (your right) lane to be used for overtaking (ie. faster) vehicles. However, in The Republic of Ireland, it doesn't matter which one you use, the general idea being to match exactly the speed of the vehicle on the inside lane, so as no ****er can get past you. Forget about overtaking, in the outside lane it is compulsory to do at least one of the following (depending on status):
a) tap the steering wheel along to Jon Bon Jovi
b) yap into your mobile
c) yap to the cretin in your passenger seat, looking at him/her whilst talking, and not the road ahead
d) grip the steering wheel very tightly, whilst leaning forward and staring at the road as if it's about to bite you, being careful not to exceed 45mph
e) daydream/admire the scenery
f) keep those cunts from getting round you (applies to lorry-drivers only)
NEVER under any circumstances must you indicate before turning off a main road, at least not before jamming on the brakes. If changing lane on a MAJOR ROAD, your indicator can be used as a magic wand, which makes all the other cars on the road temporarily disappear, particularly those just beside/behind you.
3) MINOR ROADS. In The Republic of Ireland, MINOR ROADS are the ones without lines/with plenty of TRACTORS (see below). In The Republic of Ireland, most roads are MINOR. There are very few rules to observe on our MINOR ROADS, as pretty much any motoring travesty goes, but nonetheless, here are one or two:
a) If you are a BOY RACER (see below), remember - MINOR ROADS are your plaything, and it is considered downright unmanly to drive at anything less than rally-car speed/style. Just like Playstation, only easier.
b) When approaching a corner on a MINOR ROAD, do NOT brake until your vehicle is slung well into the bend, but DO allow your vehicle to drift across to the far side of the road instead. Potholes, pedestrians or obscenely large puddles are no reason to brake either, sure don't these modern cars just eat them up.
c) Only brake on a MINOR ROAD when there is absolutely no reason to do so, and your imagination takes hold. It's great for freaking the fella behind you right out.
d) Indicators must never be used on minor roads, unless it's the emergency indicator flashed twice at the poor ******* you've just frightened to death by overtaking on a blind bend - how dare he flash/beep at you?
e) For the outsize vehicle, MINOR ROADS are one big, long psychic orgasm.
Check out the tailback in your wing-mirror! (applies to lorry-drivers only)
4) ROUNDABOUTS. These are a joke, invented by the Brits. Everyone knows they're not natural. For what it's worth, the only rule that applies to ROUNDABOUTS is 'fly on there regardless, sure he'll brake rather than hit me in the side'. Indicate only on a roundabout when going straight ahead, never when proceeding left or right.
5) TRAFFIC LIGHTS. Outside Dublin: well, they barely exist, but red is stop and green is go, and we're not sure what the orange one does.
Another Brit trick, no doubt. Inside Dublin: Green = accelerate hard.
Orange = accelerate harder. Red = Floor the cunt. Why should you get
caught?
6) MOTORCYCLISTS/SCOOTERS/CYCLISTS. Pay no attention to the rules at all, you freaks. You're obviously intent on committing suicide.
7) TRACTORS. In The Republic of Ireland it is compulsory for TRACTORS:
a) to be ill-lit, or not at all
b) to have some fearsome sharp set of spikes levelled out at the front, and/or have an unfeasibly rickety, overburdened trailer weaving along at the rear, preferably dripping lumps of ****e/hay off at two-second intervals
c) to use the road only at peak times
8) BOY RACERS. You have a set of rules all of your own, lads. Here they are.
Now, get out there and hurry up and kill/cripple someone. Preferably yourself & your pissed mates.
a) It is compulsory for BOY RACERS to possess & drive (extremely badly) the naffest possible bottom-range three-door egg-beater they can possibly find. Tiny wheels, a ridiculous exhaust, and the slogan 'NO
FEAR', 'KENWOOD', or just the make of the car must be emblazoned in tasteless red plastic letters across the rear window. (You don't need to see out of it. Sure why in Jesus' name would you give a flying **** what's behind you?)
b) Said pansy egg-beater must be driven at 90mph at all times, which is usually the absolute top end for these things (unless on a hill). It is deeply non-virile not to be trashing your **** engine to bits whenever possible. Sure you live at home and you're going to trade up to a Beamer 3-series as soon as you can afford the insurance. To hell with the engine/clutch/gearbox/tyres.
c) It is compulsory for BOY RACERS to drive with front fog-lights on at all times, particularly when there's no fog. It's not just that you're annoying all oncoming drivers - the real truth of the matter here is that you are, in fact, a jet fighter pilot, and your fogs make you look more, er, sort of 'jet-ish', you complete ****ing spa you.
d) When driving in fog/heavy rain, it is compulsory for the BOY
RACER to accelerate, while everyone else slows down. This shows your true manliness, and makes you look really big and clever.
e) Beer, vodka, spliff, e and bad techno all vastly improve driving performance.
f) You probably don't read much, but if you did, you'd know that the newspapers are lying when they say that more than half of all road accidents are caused by arseholes like you, and all those photos of mangled motors they print are really stills from some Hollywood blockbuster, not real cars like your own.
GENERAL CONDITION OF VEHICLE.
The purpose of the National Car Test is to get slow, polluting cars off the road. Since the chances are one in three of you not having a license, and shag-all driving experience, we'd much rather have you in a brand new car, capable of much higher speeds on our generally **** roads. After all, new registrations are an important indicator of economic growth, and if you wrap your brand new car around a tree/someone else's car, you can always get another one.
Happy motoring, folks!!!
Note: Since it is virtually impossible to obtain a driving license in The Republic of Ireland, and therefore nearly one-third of all drivers either;
a) availed of the amnesty, and never had a lesson off anyone other than their da
b) are still queuing for the test, and never had a lesson off anyone other than their da
c) can't be fecking arsed, are driving away quite happily on the
Provisional License, and never had a lesson off anyone other than their da
d) are just clean mad, and never had a lesson off anyone, even their da
It is essential that the following rules be obeyed, and you know how much we love rules down here:
1) SPEED. There are two optional driving speeds in The Republic of Ireland.
(A) Way below the given speed limit, and (B) Way above it. Under no circumstances must a car be driven at anything approaching the actual speed limit - we just put the signs up for fun. It is compulsory for farmers, builders, men in hats/flat caps, the senile and women with long hair and several un-belted children jumping around the interior of the car to drive at speed (A). At speed (A), it is optional to either weave erratically on and off the edge of the tarmac, or - and this is the preferred option - to stick stubbornly to the middle of the road so as no ****er can get past you.
Categories compelled to drive at speed (B) are; yuppies, lorry-drivers, the under-25's, 4x4 drivers, all white vans, all other works vans, blonde secretaries in dinky two-door sports cars, Mercedes drivers, Alfa Romeo drivers (because you know you're worth it), and, in particular, taxi drivers and Dublin Bus drivers.
* It is important to observe road conditions when setting one's speed.
* Enormous potholes, greasy surfaces, negative camber, rain, thick traffic, children by the side of the road - these are all factors which compel the southern motorist to stick the boot right to the ****ing floor, preferably yapping into a mobile phone as one goes.
* Remember - only about 2 of those dumb**** speed cameras in the entire country actually have film in them. So the chances of a (pansy) speeding fine are minimal.
* Remember - Under no circumstances should a sucker be given an even break.
* If they don't get out of the way, then **** them.
* Even if you've never had a lesson or passed a test, you just know you were born with a natural talent for guiding ? of a tonne of aluminium, steel, plastic & inflammable liquid on a hard surface at 70mph, while listening/singing along to Bon Jovi.
2) MAIN ROADS. In the Republic, a main road is anything with a line down the middle, no matter how faded. The chances are you don't live on a MAIN ROAD, but they do exist. There's one running between Dublin and
Newry, for part of the way. The first lesson to learn about a MAIN ROAD is how to pull out onto it. The procedure is as follows:
a) Brake late coming out of minor road, stopping briefly with the nose of the car halfway out onto the main road.
b) Wait until a fast-moving vehicle is within thirty yards of your own, stationary position.
c) Proceed onto the main road, as slowly and taking up as much room as possible.
d) Observe in the rear mirror, whilst picking your nose, how the driver of the previously fast-moving vehicle stands on his brakes and mouths furious swearwords at you.
e) If you are a lorry-driver, observe none of the above, and pull out regardless without stopping. They'll come off much worse if they hit the back of your container, and you hate the world and don't give a **** anyway.
MAIN ROADS sometimes consist of two lanes in both directions. These are called dual carriageways, or sometimes even motor-ways, but the latter are still pretty rare since Europe stopped paying. In the U.K., it is traditional for the outside (your right) lane to be used for overtaking (ie. faster) vehicles. However, in The Republic of Ireland, it doesn't matter which one you use, the general idea being to match exactly the speed of the vehicle on the inside lane, so as no ****er can get past you. Forget about overtaking, in the outside lane it is compulsory to do at least one of the following (depending on status):
a) tap the steering wheel along to Jon Bon Jovi
b) yap into your mobile
c) yap to the cretin in your passenger seat, looking at him/her whilst talking, and not the road ahead
d) grip the steering wheel very tightly, whilst leaning forward and staring at the road as if it's about to bite you, being careful not to exceed 45mph
e) daydream/admire the scenery
f) keep those cunts from getting round you (applies to lorry-drivers only)
NEVER under any circumstances must you indicate before turning off a main road, at least not before jamming on the brakes. If changing lane on a MAJOR ROAD, your indicator can be used as a magic wand, which makes all the other cars on the road temporarily disappear, particularly those just beside/behind you.
3) MINOR ROADS. In The Republic of Ireland, MINOR ROADS are the ones without lines/with plenty of TRACTORS (see below). In The Republic of Ireland, most roads are MINOR. There are very few rules to observe on our MINOR ROADS, as pretty much any motoring travesty goes, but nonetheless, here are one or two:
a) If you are a BOY RACER (see below), remember - MINOR ROADS are your plaything, and it is considered downright unmanly to drive at anything less than rally-car speed/style. Just like Playstation, only easier.
b) When approaching a corner on a MINOR ROAD, do NOT brake until your vehicle is slung well into the bend, but DO allow your vehicle to drift across to the far side of the road instead. Potholes, pedestrians or obscenely large puddles are no reason to brake either, sure don't these modern cars just eat them up.
c) Only brake on a MINOR ROAD when there is absolutely no reason to do so, and your imagination takes hold. It's great for freaking the fella behind you right out.
d) Indicators must never be used on minor roads, unless it's the emergency indicator flashed twice at the poor ******* you've just frightened to death by overtaking on a blind bend - how dare he flash/beep at you?
e) For the outsize vehicle, MINOR ROADS are one big, long psychic orgasm.
Check out the tailback in your wing-mirror! (applies to lorry-drivers only)
4) ROUNDABOUTS. These are a joke, invented by the Brits. Everyone knows they're not natural. For what it's worth, the only rule that applies to ROUNDABOUTS is 'fly on there regardless, sure he'll brake rather than hit me in the side'. Indicate only on a roundabout when going straight ahead, never when proceeding left or right.
5) TRAFFIC LIGHTS. Outside Dublin: well, they barely exist, but red is stop and green is go, and we're not sure what the orange one does.
Another Brit trick, no doubt. Inside Dublin: Green = accelerate hard.
Orange = accelerate harder. Red = Floor the cunt. Why should you get
caught?
6) MOTORCYCLISTS/SCOOTERS/CYCLISTS. Pay no attention to the rules at all, you freaks. You're obviously intent on committing suicide.
7) TRACTORS. In The Republic of Ireland it is compulsory for TRACTORS:
a) to be ill-lit, or not at all
b) to have some fearsome sharp set of spikes levelled out at the front, and/or have an unfeasibly rickety, overburdened trailer weaving along at the rear, preferably dripping lumps of ****e/hay off at two-second intervals
c) to use the road only at peak times
8) BOY RACERS. You have a set of rules all of your own, lads. Here they are.
Now, get out there and hurry up and kill/cripple someone. Preferably yourself & your pissed mates.
a) It is compulsory for BOY RACERS to possess & drive (extremely badly) the naffest possible bottom-range three-door egg-beater they can possibly find. Tiny wheels, a ridiculous exhaust, and the slogan 'NO
FEAR', 'KENWOOD', or just the make of the car must be emblazoned in tasteless red plastic letters across the rear window. (You don't need to see out of it. Sure why in Jesus' name would you give a flying **** what's behind you?)
b) Said pansy egg-beater must be driven at 90mph at all times, which is usually the absolute top end for these things (unless on a hill). It is deeply non-virile not to be trashing your **** engine to bits whenever possible. Sure you live at home and you're going to trade up to a Beamer 3-series as soon as you can afford the insurance. To hell with the engine/clutch/gearbox/tyres.
c) It is compulsory for BOY RACERS to drive with front fog-lights on at all times, particularly when there's no fog. It's not just that you're annoying all oncoming drivers - the real truth of the matter here is that you are, in fact, a jet fighter pilot, and your fogs make you look more, er, sort of 'jet-ish', you complete ****ing spa you.
d) When driving in fog/heavy rain, it is compulsory for the BOY
RACER to accelerate, while everyone else slows down. This shows your true manliness, and makes you look really big and clever.
e) Beer, vodka, spliff, e and bad techno all vastly improve driving performance.
f) You probably don't read much, but if you did, you'd know that the newspapers are lying when they say that more than half of all road accidents are caused by arseholes like you, and all those photos of mangled motors they print are really stills from some Hollywood blockbuster, not real cars like your own.
GENERAL CONDITION OF VEHICLE.
The purpose of the National Car Test is to get slow, polluting cars off the road. Since the chances are one in three of you not having a license, and shag-all driving experience, we'd much rather have you in a brand new car, capable of much higher speeds on our generally **** roads. After all, new registrations are an important indicator of economic growth, and if you wrap your brand new car around a tree/someone else's car, you can always get another one.
Happy motoring, folks!!!